Breaking Down Walls
by LoverofDogs94
Summary: She lets him in.


I don't own The Good Wife. I know this is extremely out of character for Kalinda, but death changes you. And I think she has more feelings than she lets on.

* * *

She used to believe she didn't friends. Didn't need anybody. It was safer that way. You can't get hurt, if no one is close enough to hurt you. So she kept everybody at an arms length. But he soon became someone she trusted completely, which is a big deal for her. She can count the number of people she has had complete trust in on one hand. He had somehow broken through the wall around her heart. She didn't know how or when, but one day she realized just how close they were. It scared her, and she started to pull away. He wouldn't let her. "You need to let people in, K. You can't keep doing this solo act. You have to open up to people." She just nodded.

They shared many drinks over the years. Sometimes it was at the office. Sometimes it was at the bar or his apartment. Most of the time, conversations were shallow. Every once in awhile they just sat in silence, and occasionally, they had real talks. You know, share you soul talks. But only occasionally. Sometimes on Saturdays when neither of them had work to do, they spent the day together, playing silly card games, going for walks, watching movies with sound off and making up their own dialogue. She was happy. Happier than she could ever remember being.

She knows he wasn't completely happy, not after Alicia left. So she just did her best to make him smile. After all, that's what you do for a (best)friend. Telling him that she was thinking about quitting was one of the hardest things she had to do. He was right though, she knew she would come back. She wouldn't be able to stay away. This was all she had. Her job was her life.

She saw him talking with Alicia at the courthouse. They were...friendly. And she smiled to herself. They were good together, always had been. He was suffering without Alicia in his life. He needed her.

Hearing the gunshots was terrifying. They came from his courtroom. Looking back, she is 99% sure her heart stopped beating and she stopped breathing. All she could think was "Please let him be okay. Please let him be ok." When she got past the officers, and to his side, it was all she could do not to vomit. Her brain went into an autopilot mode, and she isn't exactly sure how she and Diane got to the hospital. From that moment on, it was all a blur, until they found his body. The tears wouldn't stop. She barely remembers calling Eli and Alicia. She does remember hanging up, and heaving into the nearest trash can.

Sitting at his funeral, she remembers why she doesn't let people in. Because if something happens to them, the pain is almost unbearable.

Six months later, she is doing better. The pain is still there, but she is coping. She didn't leave the firm. She needed to be there. Be there with Diane, and slowly they have healed somewhat. She is sitting with her back to his marble tombstone. She has a bottle of beer in her hand, and she put one on his grave for him.

"Hey Will."

Silence. She didn't expect an answer. Not really.

"I brought you a beer."

She only drinks his favorite beer, now.

"I miss you. A lot. It hurts that you are gone."

Her voice is cracking.

"You were my best friend. Did you know that?"

Of course he didn't. You never told him, she thinks.

"I hope you are happy. It took me a while to be happy after you...after you left. But I think I am getting there."

She wipes angrily at the tears that are falling.

"Diane misses you. When she thinks no one is looking, she cries. She keeps a picture of the two of you in her office, instead of her and Hilary."

Seeing Diane cry is hard.

"Alicia misses you, too. Maybe more than anybody. She looks like an empty shell of the person she used to be. It is heartbreaking. But she finally divorced Peter. Guess you are happy about that, huh?"

She laughs. It sounds empty.

"I really hate these one sided conversations, you know. I have to do all of the talking."

She never really was good at conversations, anyway.

"Guess what?" "Cary and I are engaged. We had been dating since before you got shot. I hope you approve. I wish you could be here."

She takes a deep breath.

"I still cry at night. When you left, it felt like my world was flipped upside down. It felt like I was drowning. And there was nothing I could do."

She shakes off the feelings of loneliness.

"But it gets easier. Not better, but easier. I have your old baseball. I threw it a Louis Canning, and I didn't really feel bad about it."

She smiles slightly at the memory.

"Well, I have to go. I will be back. I promise."

She sighs.

She stood up and brushed off her skirt. Coming to talk to him really helped her. She missed his advice, but it was better than nothing. She knew that she was always going to miss him. She might not ever truly recover from this loss. But she stopped being angry at herself for letting him in. She has decided that a lonely life isn't really living at all, so she tore down her walls. And she let people in.


End file.
